I found a position to apply for last month. It was an associate preschool minister position. For once, I was qualified. I have the experience dealing with preschoolers in our church, and I am getting the education through a certification program over the next few years. The Baptist State Convention of NC is even having me train to be a Preschool Resource Specialist next week so that I can help train preschool workers and churches in the state.
So I had two interviews. I felt really good about both of them. The last one was Monday night, and I felt like the church would be a perfect fit for me. They would let me know very soon.
Wednesday morning I get a call.
They praise my talent and enthusiasm. They wish me well. But what is wrong with me?
It hurts so much.
A big part of it is that interviewing with a church makes you so vulnerable. You cannot misrepresent yourself--you have to be open, honest, revealing. I don't usually bear my heart to complete strangers when I have just met them. But you have to do that with search committees and personnel committees.
My heart is torn open. I feel naked.
I am angry; I am sad; I am hopeless.
I can't cry because my children will cry. They don't understand how useless I feel. As long as I am still there to make them lunch or change a diaper, I have an iota of value. But I want to be used for ministry. Isn't that what God has called me to all my life?
God, why do you call me to full-time ministry and never open a door?
"Yes, Lord," she replied, "but even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs." Mark 7:28
One crumb. Is it too much to ask?