Finally!

It is so refreshing to not see a wife standing beside a disgraced politician for a change. Jenny Sanford--yer doin' it right!

What Mark Sanford did was his own choice and decision. I hate seeing the wives standing there tight-lipped while the husband makes his apologies. We all know that we pity them. Some may even get the idea that the wife had a part in the infidelity--knowing about it and not doing anything, pushing the husband to have the affair (gag!). We do judge.

I'm judging this as the right action. If the day comes when I have to take a stand, may I remember this example.

Ouch

Today, while walking out of the preschool with my son (who will be 4 next week), another boy in his class told him, "Bye bye, Baby."

Ouch.

I heard him tell his caregiver that that boy really is a baby; he only can say ga, ga.

I had to say something then. My son cannot help that he has a speech delay. He tries so hard to express himself, but sometimes no one can understand.

This child is brilliant though in ways other than speech. He can spell any word or name after just looking at it for a few minutes. He can also recognize at least 20 words in the books we read--an early reading skill that few 3 year olds have. He is so expressive with his gestures.

Yet, not a day goes by without the frustration of not being heard. Hearing that innocent comment made this a bad day for me. I asked my son if his classmates have been calling him baby, and he nodded.

This child takes pride in being a big boy. Since he was potty-trained (just last month), he has been going around the house calling himself big boy (he can say those words). He has come so far in the past three months with his speech therapy, but he didn't meet his goals for the year. And he has just one year until he starts Kindergarten. What will the year bring?

I know I cannot protect this child from the remarks. I know that I will not be able to explain to everyone he meets about his delay.

I wish there was some support group that I could turn to so I could vent. It seems that there are so many other people who have children that are much more learning disabled. I should feel grateful that his only "problem" is the speech delay.

I so desperately want to hear him say, "I love you."

A week or so ago, I read a blog about a mother who bemoaned the fact that "no" and "mine" had entered her child's vocabulary. Some people would give anything to hear their child(ren) say those words.

Three Things

1. I just read a great book called The Order of Things by Lynne Hinton. It was about a woman overcoming depression by being able to tell her story. That sounds about right to me.

2. There is nothing like tickling a baby and hearing his/her laugh. The sounds of heaven.

3. It is wonderful to have another child potty-trained. I just didn't know how much I would enjoy only having one in diapers.

Long Time No Blog

It has been a while since I blogged. Too much Facebook is the reason. It is just too easy to post a link or a status update there. But I have been feeling guilty for my neglect here, so I may find something interesting to say here in the next few days.

I am doing much better in my personal struggles. My boys are growing. My house is still a mess.

A Semester of Personal Learning

Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) is chaplaincy. I completed my semester of CPE a few weeks ago. It went beyond resume filler to become a wonderful learning experience for me. Being with the other interns at the hospital, I had a chance to be something besides a stay-at-home mom. Also, being able to escape to the hospital for periodic 24 hour on-calls was wonderful. I loved my time when I was on-call even with all the challenges that such an on-call can be at a trauma hospital.

The best thing I learned though is that I have been in depression for at least 2 years. Just knowing that has helped me to understand why I have been acting the way I do. I have been living in something like a fog for a while. I have been easily distracted, very irritable, and moody.

I never really thought I was depressed because I assumed that it would come over me fast and be evident. However, this depression has been slowly clouding my mind and affecting my actions. This week after Christmas has been really bad as I am able to see that I am not acting in a good way toward my family; I have been so irritable and yelling at the boys for trivial things. In some ways, I am grieving the end of CPE; I am trying to get back into a stay-at-home mom role that is not so fulfilling for me; and I am trying to live with a husband who is not thankful for anything I do.

However, my doctor did prescribe an anti-depressant on the advice of the psychologist I am seeing. So I am hopeful that my mind will become clear again and the hopelessness I feel now will not always be.

Being able to admit my depression is a good thing for me. Putting words to the way I feel is invaluable. I am hopeful at the end of 2008.

CPE

I am doing a unit of Clinical Pastoral Education this semester. I am learning a lot.

I do not like visiting my area of the hospital because it is difficult for me to be assertive. I am rather shy. Why would anyone want to talk to me?

I do like the on-calls though. I don't mind answering pages.

It should be an interesting semester.

A Break

I am taking a break from this blog for a while. My life is going through major crisis right now.

I have another blog that I am posting to in a semi-anonymous way. I can't control two blogs at once when I am discussing my personal life in both.

I'll be back though--I can't give up longing for home.