When my youngest child is sick, he just wants me to be near him. He wants me to sit beside him as he watches episode after episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. If I get up, he whines and cries until I sit back down. That is reason the dishes don't get washed.
When we are weary and depressed and sick as adults, do we force our Parent to be near us? God as our Parent isn't about to let other things in the world go undone, but I have never thought about my sickness and its relationship to God before.
When I suffered through the worst of my depression last year, my joy started returning once I pleaded with God to sit beside me. Maybe I was like a whiny child, but I don't think God minds. God loves me more than I will ever love any of my children. God knows the sorrow and pain I go through better than I understand how my 2-year-old feels.
I just wished I had whined a little sooner because God was waiting all along.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
A Semester of Personal Learning
Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) is chaplaincy. I completed my semester of CPE a few weeks ago. It went beyond resume filler to become a wonderful learning experience for me. Being with the other interns at the hospital, I had a chance to be something besides a stay-at-home mom. Also, being able to escape to the hospital for periodic 24 hour on-calls was wonderful. I loved my time when I was on-call even with all the challenges that such an on-call can be at a trauma hospital.
The best thing I learned though is that I have been in depression for at least 2 years. Just knowing that has helped me to understand why I have been acting the way I do. I have been living in something like a fog for a while. I have been easily distracted, very irritable, and moody.
I never really thought I was depressed because I assumed that it would come over me fast and be evident. However, this depression has been slowly clouding my mind and affecting my actions. This week after Christmas has been really bad as I am able to see that I am not acting in a good way toward my family; I have been so irritable and yelling at the boys for trivial things. In some ways, I am grieving the end of CPE; I am trying to get back into a stay-at-home mom role that is not so fulfilling for me; and I am trying to live with a husband who is not thankful for anything I do.
However, my doctor did prescribe an anti-depressant on the advice of the psychologist I am seeing. So I am hopeful that my mind will become clear again and the hopelessness I feel now will not always be.
Being able to admit my depression is a good thing for me. Putting words to the way I feel is invaluable. I am hopeful at the end of 2008.
The best thing I learned though is that I have been in depression for at least 2 years. Just knowing that has helped me to understand why I have been acting the way I do. I have been living in something like a fog for a while. I have been easily distracted, very irritable, and moody.
I never really thought I was depressed because I assumed that it would come over me fast and be evident. However, this depression has been slowly clouding my mind and affecting my actions. This week after Christmas has been really bad as I am able to see that I am not acting in a good way toward my family; I have been so irritable and yelling at the boys for trivial things. In some ways, I am grieving the end of CPE; I am trying to get back into a stay-at-home mom role that is not so fulfilling for me; and I am trying to live with a husband who is not thankful for anything I do.
However, my doctor did prescribe an anti-depressant on the advice of the psychologist I am seeing. So I am hopeful that my mind will become clear again and the hopelessness I feel now will not always be.
Being able to admit my depression is a good thing for me. Putting words to the way I feel is invaluable. I am hopeful at the end of 2008.
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