Monday, January 30, 2006

Stay-at-Home Mom

I stay at home with my kids. One is three years old, and the other one is seven months. And I have to say that I am not particularly fond of the task. Whenever I tell a group of stay-at-home mothers about my dislike of being one of them, I usually hear a gasp. They tell me to think of what I would miss if I was not at home.

And so I sit at home, watching my three year old run circles around the kitchen in the late evenings as he is prone to do as he gets tired. And I nurse my seven month old very carefully because he has three teeth and three more that are almost cut. But I am not satisfied with this life.

I wonder how no one can know me. I went to seminary; I traveled, even worked on an archaeological dig; I can preach, and I love doing that--yet I am so unfulfilled. To focus solely on my children would be a denial of a part of me: a part of me that will be here when my kids have flown the coop.

In the past four years since my last semester in seminary, I have applied to many ministry jobs. And I have been rejected. Most days I feel quite useless. Most days I can not even tell you where the time has gone. They fly away as quickly as they come. Too many dirty diapers, too many cups of apple juice, too many episodes of the Wiggles--time passes quickly. Yet I feel that my personal struggles to find a place in ministry have not changed.

The sermon that was preached at my church on Sunday was about prayer. I was confronted with the fact that my spiritual life needs more prayer. Some days it seems as though I cannot find time to pray. So I guess I will become a praying stay-at-home mom for now. It might be that my education has not been completed yet, or it may be that God would like to communicate more with me to set me on the way.

I do not think that I have to like staying at home to raise my kids. There are times when you have to do things you do not like. So I will pray and see and wait for the opportunity to come. If God has truly called me to be a minister on this earth, then I will trust that the door (or window) of opportunity will open in the future.


Amy said...

Hey, I want you to know I appreciate your honesty and I share your perspective. I struggled and struggled and struggled and finally realized that I was not meant to be at home with my kids. This was hard, as my mother was a "stay at home mom" and my sister home schools her kids, for pete's sake.

But once I finally realized that EVERYONE would be much happier if other arrangments were made, then the freedom came. We worked it out by cobbling together different alternatives and soon discovered that my husband was a FABULOUS stay at home mom! He loved it! The kids loved it! We all loved it! What a gift.

I know the feeling of being the black sheep in the mothers' meetings. Don't beat yourself up; look for ways to find the joy.

Best wishes, friend.

Mary Beth said...

Welcome to the RGBP. I think it's great that you don't like being home with the kids and say so! I'm not sure I'd like it either, and I never had to make that choice (only have stepchildren). I am glad to read you and wish you a road to fulfillment soon.

:) Mary Beth

Jill said...

You are not alone in your uncertainty over what to do. You feel pulled in two directions.
But the answer is, or will be there, when you are ready.
I KNOW I need to be doing something with my education too.Maybe when you are pastor, I can be your associate.