Long Time, No Blog

As usual, life gets in the way of things that I'd like to do.  I often find myself saying, "I really should blog about ______."  It is usually a topic that matters to me, but I forget it when I sit at my computer.  And I usually get sucked into reading FB posts anyway. 

When I started blogging, the title "Longing for Home" was what came to me.  It isn't about where you live now--it is about that eternal Home--the aching inside you that says that you belong somewhere else.  I know that ache.  When I faced sending my children back to school today, the demands of a husband that thinks I should be out in a career, the longing of my own soul to leave something of myself on this earth to have an eternal legacy, I know the longing for my Home. 

I want to write a good deal more this year, but I didn't make any resolutions.  In the dreary January and February of the year, I focus on survival and dealing with seasonal depression.  Resolutions are better left to springtime and a time of renewal. 

Or I could do the one-word resolution that some of my friends post about.  But I'm not sure what my word would be.  I desire to do the thing I was called to do--which would be ministry, specifically pastoring--but I do not know how to jump back into the search for a place or how to define myself as a pastor from the place I now stand.  Maybe my word is rediscovery.

Rediscovery is internal as I find out who I am in my mid-30s.  How did I become this person I wouldn't ever have recognized a couple of decades ago.  Rediscovery is external as I incorporate the ones I love in this process.  I value my relationships and know they teach me more about the person I am becoming.

Is rediscovery too broad a word?  I feel on the verge of great things in my life, but there is something keeping me from taking the plunge.  I pray that I am able to see who I am to be in this world.

Big Ball of Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey

Introvert

I am reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.  I am very intrigued by what I have heard about this book.  It is also interesting because a couple of years ago, I decided to stop fighting what the world was telling me about how it was better to be outgoing.  Why be something I'm not?

Introverts are not necessarily shy--that is a perception that is placed on them by society.  I'm not shy.  I have things to say about many topics.

The world is more introverted than you think, too.  I would love to explore more about what that means for the Church and for those in leadership positions.

A few years ago when I was a youth minister for a summer, the pastor tried to make an extrovert out of me because it was the kind of person they expected should be a youth minister.  It didn't take.  It did leave me with feelings of self-loathing because I could not be what that kind of congregation wanted.  I told my therapist last year that I was happy to be an introvert, and I was finally at peace with that aspect of my personality.  I don't think she ever got what I was trying to say.  I'm not shy.  I'm not socially withdrawn.  I am just me.

I am this person God created.  My personality was created.  I will live within the traits that have made me wonderful up until this point in my life and until the end.

Moreover, I will encourage those whom the world labels as shy.  That is not a bad thing to be--it is only when we look upon those people as defective that that's what they become.

I am wonderfully made.

Reaction

Let nothing upset you,
Let nothing startle you.
All things pass;
God does not change.
Patience wins all it seeks.
Whoever has God lacks nothing:
God alone is enough.
---St. Teresa of Avila

I'm always working on how I react to things.  Most of the time I feel like I am yelling at the kids (or dh) for things they do wrong, i.e. spilling drinks, running through the house, fighting.  I need to memorize this poem.

The Me Who No Longer Exists

In the mail today, I received a "special one-time offer" for me to re-subscribe to Citizen Magazine which is published by Focus on the Family. This notice arrived about 14 years too late for it to do any good.

I'm not the same person I was fifteen years ago. In fact, the person I was a decade and a half ago wouldn't recognize me and would probably say I'm not even a Christian.

So what happened? I started thinking for myself. I gave up what I had been taught by the church as a fact, and I researched and studied to find out the truth. Divinity school is where it started; and since I graduated ten years ago, I've kept changing. I'm not the conservative evangelical that is being targeted by this offer that came in the mail.

If I had this magazine, I bet I would vote exactly opposite of what it says in its voter's guide. The "trustworthy Christian perspective" wouldn't be my Christian perspective. I am simply not the person to which this piece of mail is addressed.

That person died. Or maybe evolved is a better word.
I just know that I have never been more confident in my beliefs and values. I've never known better what to support and what to fight.

And above all, I wonder at how God can change a heart so radically as mine was changed.

The Facts About Amendment One

I'm against it. It would have to be rescinded in the future if it passes, so why not save us the trouble and vote no.

RIP Earl Scruggs

Interesting Quote

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. --Dwight Eisenhower in 1953

Feminization of the Church or Self-Domesticating Evolution?

Today I was listening to The State of Things on my local public radio station. The segment aired was about how animals are domesticated and become pets and what work the Humane Society is doing with the knowledge thereof. The process of domestication was explained and one experiment lasting over 50 years was that of a Russian scientist Dmitry Belyaev. You can read all about animal domestication in this National Geographic article.

When an animal is domesticated, there features change. They become cuter with floppy ears and different coloration. This is because the genes that affect those traits are the ones triggered when an animal is domesticated. Domestication comes when the population changes social aspects of itself like communication. There is a decrease in testosterone and a rise in cortisol as the body reacts differently to the stress of new social interaction. Even more interesting is that species of some animals have self-domesticated. Read this article about Bonobos which look like chimpanzees but act much different. This leads me with to interesting theory.

Humans are fundamentally animals, and I'm sure there have been some self-domestication times in human history. As with the bonobos, tight social bonds are being formed Could it be that with our new ways of communicating and relating to one another we have begun a new evolution of domesticating ourselves? And maybe it is why male evangelical, complementarian leaders have been saying the church is feminizing. With more communication and a lowering of testosterone, I would tend to agree. But that also means that society is feminizing as a whole.

Is that such a bad thing? If it leads to a more peaceful, altruistic society, I wouldn't think so. But the process is a work in progress and evolutionary trends aren't known for many millions of years.

My Own Business Part 2

I am a licensed Kindermusik educator now!! I am taking enrollments for the spring semester. I have a lot of responsibility all of a sudden, but I am excited about this venture.

I never thought anything like this would happen to me. Just goes to show that our lives can take unexpected turns every now and then.

Wish me luck!

My Own Business

A few weeks ago, our Kindermusik educator told all her students that she would no longer provide Kindermusik because it was time for her to focus on other areas of her life. It was heart-breaking for me even though I understand her intentions.

So, I want to be a Kindermusik educator for my area. Who knew it was so much work though? I only want to run the business and hire the old teachers to teach. But I have to take all the training of a Kindermusik teacher and the business training as well. And that is my life right now.

At least soon I'll have a positive answer for my baby who asks every morning, "Music?"

Woe Unto You

Woe unto all who decide to teach a children's Sunday School class. You will never be able to stop teaching it. And also that mid-week class that you volunteered for--how difficult it is to stop (especially when your own children are in the class).

I need a break!

In the midst of launching two new businesses in our household (my husband's staffing company and my potential ownership of Kindermusik in our community), I have to take time off from my church duties.

To say nothing of being burned out and needing renewal myself.

So why do I feel like I am getting dirty looks for wanting to stop teaching the classes? And how do I really get away from teaching them as new teachers have not been found? And I am still teaching Sunday School two years after I said I wanted to stop!

So I let them stew and fret over new teachers. There really has to be a better way to recruit, but so few people in our churches volunteer to serve. I thought our church would be different, but I've been in the discipleship team meetings and seen how it is so difficult to get people to step forward.

Tonight is the start-up of mid-week activities. No teacher for the preschoolers. Am I supposed to feel so guilty for wanting to not teach?

Churches need to assume that service only lasts for one year. That way a teacher doesn't feel trapped by his/her class forever.

I know I need a break, but I don't feel like anyone is believing me or encouraging me to take one. I can see now why people get burned out and leave churches.

Who is My Neighbor?

I teach our preschool Sunday School class at my church. Last week's lesson was on the Good Samaritan.

During the early hours of Monday morning, I awoke from a dream. In it, I was disagreeing with someone over abortion--I think it started with a disagreement over something else though. But as I awoke, I had only one thing in my mind--one question really...

Who is my neighbor?

It was so strange to awaken to that question, but all during this week I have remembered to ask myself that question at various times. When I saw the homeless man with a sign a couple of miles from my house...he is a neighbor. I discussed that idea with my oldest son right there in the car.

And as I see all the people I disagree with over personal convictions (a lot of them in DC today), I realize they are my neighbors, too. No matter if we see eye to eye.

It is very humbling to look at all people and see that God loves them. Our children, our actual neighbors, our pastor, our friends, our enemies, the people with whom we disagree, criminals, terrorists--God loves them all. It makes identifying your neighbor easier said than done.

This story of the Good Samaritan is not so simple when it is actually put into practice.

Far From Home

I grew up about 4 hours from where I live now. Some days it is difficult to be so far from home.

Like when there are complications with my brother and sister-in-law's pregnancy. Doctors are discussing the possibility that it is Downs Syndrome. And oh, how I wish I was there to sit beside them (and my Mom). Not so easy to do through the phone or on Facebook.

Hiding Place

I am blessed to have a not small walk-in closet. It isn't the biggest thing, but it is adequate. I am not talking about just clothes here. I have four small bookshelves in my closet--every one packed with books. Books I had in divinity school. Books that I have acquired since divinity school that are sermon helps. Books I just want to read because everyone else is reading them or they sparked some interest in me.

I have a giant floor pillow to lean against, and I can just read right there in my closet. It muffles the sounds of the rest of the house. It is a place to think, but mainly it is a place to get away into the world of a book. Getting caught up with the characters, and forgetting that I'm even in my closet.

When my husband and I have a disagreement, I sometimes escape. Sometimes, particularly after school, I go there to escape my boys' whining. They all know where to find me, but I think they realize that Mama needs a time out sometimes, too. Sometimes when my oldest son needs to read his book for school, he gets to go to my closet. It may end up being scared space in the house as we search for a place to pause and think and read and dream.

I designated my half of my closet as my own place in the house. I think it is very important to have a place like that. Silence is good. Self-reflection is good. It can bring renewal.

Sleeping Child

My 2-year-old feel asleep in the car Saturday evening around 7 PM. I managed to get him in the house and in his toddler bed without waking him. He got up at 8:30 AM Sunday morning. What a good sleeper!

This child is so funny about his new toddler bed. Only one day in the past week that he has used it has he gotten out of it in the morning. Usually he is just laying in bed waiting for someone to come and get him.

My older boys would never even sleep in a crib. But with the pressures of having more children to care for, I made sure that baby #3 was "crib-conditioned." He never knew anything else. In fact, he cannot sleep unless alone in a room on a crib mattress. Such a change, but it has been refreshing for his mama. When Mama gets sleep, too, life is much more pleasant. And since his older brothers sleep so well together in their full-size bed, I never would have believed that we wouldn't have sleep issues with three youngsters in the house.

It just reminds me how life can surprise.

Cooking

I hate cooking. Now that my husband has quit his second shift job, we have to cook most nights. I am getting by. Menu planning helps a lot although I usually just worry about the main dish and not the sides. The best thing though was that my husband started cooking, too. The traditional Chinese chicken soup like his mother makes, my husband can make that now! Also, we have the method for preparing green beans like my MIL.

When my in-laws were here a few weeks ago, my husband asked me to get them to show me how they cook (the foods that my husband likes). I refused to do it unless he learned as well. So we didn't learn. Instead my husband has been relying on memory and some spoken instructions. And we are doing pretty good at this cooking thing. We have been figuring it out for ourselves.

I have been trying out several new recipes a week--some have been good and others are not so good. I have to go to the grocery store more now, too. But that is okay due to my extreme couponing, so our food bill hasn't increased that much.

Maybe one day I'll actually enjoy cooking. But I'm not holding my breath about it.

Crying over Kindergarten?

My best friend's daughter started Kindergarten today, three weeks after my son started. I have other friends and acquaintances whose children have started school. They all say they cry about it.

Really? Crying over Kindergarten? I say save the tears until you are driving them to college.

Truthfully, I never cried when my oldest started school, and I never cried when this second son started school. I have kept the philosophy that my goal is to teach my sons to be independent. Kindergarten is a step along that way. And I've not cried one tear about it.

But I do have one more son at home. In three years, I'll let you know if there were tears.

Where I Live

I have lived in north Raleigh for six years and one month. Here are some reasons I love living here:

1. I went to college here.
2. I have a great church community at Heritage BC in Wake Forest, NC.
3. I like my sons' teachers at the elementary school.
4. I love the preschool at Hope Lutheran.
5. I get to see and sometimes meet such a diverse group of people everyday.

One thing I do not like about living here:

1. My heart is always in the county of my birth: Rutherford County, NC. If the jobs had been there, I know my husband and I would have never left that county. Our families are there. But I feel very blessed to live where I do today, and I am thankful for the journey that got me here.

Online

I used to be online all day long. I had a laptop on the kitchen table always on and connected throughout the day. Now I restrict myself to getting online only after the children are in bed and my chores are done. I may not even have 30 minutes online time, and I realize that that is okay.

I used to be quite addicted to being online. I could literally feel the rush when I turned on my computer. So strange.

I made a conscience decision to limit my time online, and it was difficult at first. But I think it is better for me. Too much information all the time is very tiring.

Nowadays, I get online, do what I need to do (mainly email), and I get offline. Except tonight. I should have been offline ten minutes ago, and I came to post on my blog instead. :)

Goodnight!