Where I Live

I have lived in north Raleigh for six years and one month. Here are some reasons I love living here:

1. I went to college here.
2. I have a great church community at Heritage BC in Wake Forest, NC.
3. I like my sons' teachers at the elementary school.
4. I love the preschool at Hope Lutheran.
5. I get to see and sometimes meet such a diverse group of people everyday.

One thing I do not like about living here:

1. My heart is always in the county of my birth: Rutherford County, NC. If the jobs had been there, I know my husband and I would have never left that county. Our families are there. But I feel very blessed to live where I do today, and I am thankful for the journey that got me here.

Online

I used to be online all day long. I had a laptop on the kitchen table always on and connected throughout the day. Now I restrict myself to getting online only after the children are in bed and my chores are done. I may not even have 30 minutes online time, and I realize that that is okay.

I used to be quite addicted to being online. I could literally feel the rush when I turned on my computer. So strange.

I made a conscience decision to limit my time online, and it was difficult at first. But I think it is better for me. Too much information all the time is very tiring.

Nowadays, I get online, do what I need to do (mainly email), and I get offline. Except tonight. I should have been offline ten minutes ago, and I came to post on my blog instead. :)

Goodnight!

The Weak Become Strong

I just finished watching The Book of Eli with my husband. And then I had to spend 30 minutes telling him about all the theological references in the movie. I always notice things like that since I'm always looking for things to put into a sermon. Also the directing was super. My husband doesn't notice things like that either. *Sigh*

The thing I am reflecting on now is the way the weak become strong in the great stories of our day--both in movies and in books. The Book of Eli is a good example of this idea. It is crazy in the eyes of the world to see that weak people can become the heroes and leaders and saviors for others. But it is not crazy for a God who chose to enter into human history as a baby. The weak become strong: such is the Kingdom of God.

Anxiety

My husband is buying his first business venture on Friday. What a lot of anxiety for me! I know that he will do well--he has a head for business. The company--a staffing agency--is something that he will do well. My husband has recruited before. And he is super great at relating to people and selling his ideas.

But so much anxiety for me! I have a thousand doubts about this unknown. For me, it is just a step of faith in him that gives me a bit of peace about this. Beyond any financial security, I want this to be something that he loves to do--that he will have fun with his business.

I also feel like I am one step behind him as we figure out what things need to be in place for his owning the business. I don't have a head for business apparently. I have always learned better doing things hands-on. Now I get my chance.

Not too many things in my life have had such risk. But taking risks and having them work out makes life rewarding.

I'll trust my husband on this and have faith.

Sick Child

When my youngest child is sick, he just wants me to be near him. He wants me to sit beside him as he watches episode after episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. If I get up, he whines and cries until I sit back down. That is reason the dishes don't get washed.

When we are weary and depressed and sick as adults, do we force our Parent to be near us? God as our Parent isn't about to let other things in the world go undone, but I have never thought about my sickness and its relationship to God before.

When I suffered through the worst of my depression last year, my joy started returning once I pleaded with God to sit beside me. Maybe I was like a whiny child, but I don't think God minds. God loves me more than I will ever love any of my children. God knows the sorrow and pain I go through better than I understand how my 2-year-old feels.

I just wished I had whined a little sooner because God was waiting all along.

Too Many Books?

Yesterday, I took my son to the library where he checked out 17 books. As we were walking to the car, he said it was a lot of books. I told him yes, but there can never be too many books.

In my closet, I have a lot of books. Books I have collected through paperbackswap, and others I have ordered online, and others I have bought at bookstores (new & used). Most days just the sight of my bookshelves in my closet gives me a thrill. I look at the books and see all the places I could go or things to learn. But where is the time? I read the newspaper everyday, too--and sometimes (very rarely) I watch TV.

I guess I need to use some of my computer time.

One thing I do know, at any given time of the day, there is always a book a few feet from me--a book I want to read and enjoy. And I do not have too many books.

Blogging: So Old-Fashioned

You may have noticed that I have been blogging very rarely in the last couple of years. Blame it on Facebook. Keeping up with friends on FB has been the priority. Blogging seems so yesterday now.

I do have a lot of things on my mind still, but processing them has been an activity saved for my therapist visits. But this week I am feeling compelled to write. I am glad I have a place to do that.

Also, I got several new comments on old posts. I have no idea why the sudden jump in comments. Am I linked somewhere? If you know, let me know.

It did serve as a reminder that I do still have this blog. So maybe a little old-fashioned blogging is in order.

Preaching

I really like to preach. Not just the standing in front of a congregation and delivering a sermon. It is also preparing a sermon. All the working with the text and figuring out the theological message that the author intended.

When I prepare a sermon, I am sometimes surprised by the way it turns out. Sometimes the theological message is one that I am not expecting at all. Yet there it is.

I never preach three points and a poem. My sermons are more circular--spiraling to the center and landing on the central message at the end. I like to tell stories, stories that are sometimes too personal. Religion is experiential you know.

When I preach, I have a sense that it is what I am supposed to do, where I belong. I can live off the high of delivering a sermon for a few days. I cannot imagine getting paid for something I love to do so much.

I currently preach about 5 times a year when area pastors ask me to fill in for them. I am glad my name is out there, that the pastors know who to call. I will be thankful for that and not dwell on the issue that if I were a man, I would have been pastoring a church for over ten years by now. It is true, you know.

There is a plan for my life, but it is a rare week that I don't wish that God would hurry up and reveal it to me.

Think It Can't Be Done?

After reading this:

Why Do Evangelicals Dislike Me So Much? by Brian McLaren

I would like to say that I am pro-feminist, pro-social justice, anti-dispensational premillennialist, pro-immigrant, pro-Palestinian, pro-evolution, pro-gay rights, pro-choice, pro-ecumenical and...

100% evangelical Christian complete with an M.Div. degree!

Finally!

It is so refreshing to not see a wife standing beside a disgraced politician for a change. Jenny Sanford--yer doin' it right!

What Mark Sanford did was his own choice and decision. I hate seeing the wives standing there tight-lipped while the husband makes his apologies. We all know that we pity them. Some may even get the idea that the wife had a part in the infidelity--knowing about it and not doing anything, pushing the husband to have the affair (gag!). We do judge.

I'm judging this as the right action. If the day comes when I have to take a stand, may I remember this example.

Ouch

Today, while walking out of the preschool with my son (who will be 4 next week), another boy in his class told him, "Bye bye, Baby."

Ouch.

I heard him tell his caregiver that that boy really is a baby; he only can say ga, ga.

I had to say something then. My son cannot help that he has a speech delay. He tries so hard to express himself, but sometimes no one can understand.

This child is brilliant though in ways other than speech. He can spell any word or name after just looking at it for a few minutes. He can also recognize at least 20 words in the books we read--an early reading skill that few 3 year olds have. He is so expressive with his gestures.

Yet, not a day goes by without the frustration of not being heard. Hearing that innocent comment made this a bad day for me. I asked my son if his classmates have been calling him baby, and he nodded.

This child takes pride in being a big boy. Since he was potty-trained (just last month), he has been going around the house calling himself big boy (he can say those words). He has come so far in the past three months with his speech therapy, but he didn't meet his goals for the year. And he has just one year until he starts Kindergarten. What will the year bring?

I know I cannot protect this child from the remarks. I know that I will not be able to explain to everyone he meets about his delay.

I wish there was some support group that I could turn to so I could vent. It seems that there are so many other people who have children that are much more learning disabled. I should feel grateful that his only "problem" is the speech delay.

I so desperately want to hear him say, "I love you."

A week or so ago, I read a blog about a mother who bemoaned the fact that "no" and "mine" had entered her child's vocabulary. Some people would give anything to hear their child(ren) say those words.

Three Things

1. I just read a great book called The Order of Things by Lynne Hinton. It was about a woman overcoming depression by being able to tell her story. That sounds about right to me.

2. There is nothing like tickling a baby and hearing his/her laugh. The sounds of heaven.

3. It is wonderful to have another child potty-trained. I just didn't know how much I would enjoy only having one in diapers.

Long Time No Blog

It has been a while since I blogged. Too much Facebook is the reason. It is just too easy to post a link or a status update there. But I have been feeling guilty for my neglect here, so I may find something interesting to say here in the next few days.

I am doing much better in my personal struggles. My boys are growing. My house is still a mess.

A Semester of Personal Learning

Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) is chaplaincy. I completed my semester of CPE a few weeks ago. It went beyond resume filler to become a wonderful learning experience for me. Being with the other interns at the hospital, I had a chance to be something besides a stay-at-home mom. Also, being able to escape to the hospital for periodic 24 hour on-calls was wonderful. I loved my time when I was on-call even with all the challenges that such an on-call can be at a trauma hospital.

The best thing I learned though is that I have been in depression for at least 2 years. Just knowing that has helped me to understand why I have been acting the way I do. I have been living in something like a fog for a while. I have been easily distracted, very irritable, and moody.

I never really thought I was depressed because I assumed that it would come over me fast and be evident. However, this depression has been slowly clouding my mind and affecting my actions. This week after Christmas has been really bad as I am able to see that I am not acting in a good way toward my family; I have been so irritable and yelling at the boys for trivial things. In some ways, I am grieving the end of CPE; I am trying to get back into a stay-at-home mom role that is not so fulfilling for me; and I am trying to live with a husband who is not thankful for anything I do.

However, my doctor did prescribe an anti-depressant on the advice of the psychologist I am seeing. So I am hopeful that my mind will become clear again and the hopelessness I feel now will not always be.

Being able to admit my depression is a good thing for me. Putting words to the way I feel is invaluable. I am hopeful at the end of 2008.

CPE

I am doing a unit of Clinical Pastoral Education this semester. I am learning a lot.

I do not like visiting my area of the hospital because it is difficult for me to be assertive. I am rather shy. Why would anyone want to talk to me?

I do like the on-calls though. I don't mind answering pages.

It should be an interesting semester.

A Break

I am taking a break from this blog for a while. My life is going through major crisis right now.

I have another blog that I am posting to in a semi-anonymous way. I can't control two blogs at once when I am discussing my personal life in both.

I'll be back though--I can't give up longing for home.

New teeth

Boy #3 is cutting teeth. He will not be 3 months until August 11.

Do subsequent babies tend to cut teeth earlier?

Everyone tells me that nursing him is about to get painful. Nope. Bottom teeth don't affect nursing because the baby's tongue is between the nipple and the teeth. It is the top teeth (that come in after the bottom ones) that you have to be wary of.

So, if you didn't know that, now you have learned something new about breastfeeding a baby.

Imitation

My boys have really enjoyed watching the High School Musical movies. They aren't the audience that Disney intended when they marketed the movies (they are under 6!), but the music keeps them watching. How bad is it? We know every word of both movies and all the songs (even the songs that only show up on the DVD). Part of the blame is that we have a DVD player in our mini-van. Boy #2 has been watching that DVD player since before his carseat was facing forward (yes, he craned his neck around to see it).

When it comes to High School Musical 2, I will say that the favorite song is one that the main character Troy Bolton sings called "Bet on It." Troy sings it while walking/running/jumping around a golf course. And my boys know every walk, run, and jump. Today, I played the song (just the song) from my laptop, and I noticed that they were doing all the motions with their hands like Troy. They would walk or run when he did. They knew when to throw out their arms, hit the ground, or do a little jump.

Crazy.

My 3 year old knows when to do it without looking at his big brother, too.

Maybe we have watched the movie too much--I don't know. However, it is a good reminder that my sons are going to learn by watching and imitating. I know I can't always control what they see and learn, but I can control what I do and say. Sometimes my attitude is less than stellar. I get tired. I get cranky. I speak too quickly. I overreact.

It isn't a bad thing for the boys to know I am human. But I don't want them to imitate my bad qualities all the time. It is a fine line to walk. Seeing them act out HSM2 today is just another reminder of this big responsibility I have that goes beyond feeding and clothing my children.

Pop Ice for Babies

My oldest two sons really get a kick out of eating Pop Ices. They always run and open our freezer and pick out their favorite color. My 2nd son likes to choose the same color as his shirt (provided he isn't wearing a white, gray, or black shirt).

The boys eat the Pop Ices even in winter. The local grocery store has some store brand that are bigger and have more flavors (ummm, pineapple....).

If the baby wanted one, he could have one that I made. I have about 25 bags of breastmilk in the freezer, too. What the baby doesn't get to, I will donate to the WakeMed Mothers' Milk Bank.

A few weeks ago, our local newspaper ran a story about the milk bank. There aren't that many milk banks in the US. But at the hospital where I delivered my last two boys, there is one. They recently had a shortage and had to put out a call for the volunteer donors to bring in what they had. The milk is used for premature infants. Some of them cannot have formula--the breastmilk is vital for their survival. No wonder it is called "liquid gold" and goes for $4.50/ounce!

After reading that article, I immediately called and started the process to be a donor. I had to answer questions like the ones they ask you when you are going to donate blood. I also had to realize that drinking caffeine and taking OTC medicine for pain would affect the milk I pumped for 12 hours after those activities. My caffeine intake concerned me, so I stopped drinking my diet Pepsi with caffeine and switched to caffeine-free diet Pepsi. I expected severe headaches, but they have not been that bad.

I am pumping at least 4 ounces a day to save. Most days I can get 7 ounces. After I have 100 ounces, I have the paperwork for my blood to be drawn; and it will be tested. After I have 200 ounces, I can take my milk to the milk bank.

I thought when I signed up that I would have to buy more bags to store the milk, but the bank sent me gobs of them. Since I already owned a breastpump (that has held up remarkably well for the past 5 1/2 years), it really is a no-brainer to sign up to donate. I find it providential that the article ran when my newborn was 5 weeks old, and my breasts were drowning him at every feeding. Milk production is something I am apparently very good at.

There are nine milk banks in the US and one private milk bank in California. One-third of the women donating to the WakeMed Milk Bank are local. The great thing is that the milk bank will send a cooler and shipping instructions to women out of the area. Once they have 200 to 300 ounces, the milk can be overnighted to Raleigh.

I already give blood when I can. I am glad that I can also donate breastmilk this year. Even though I am a SAHM with no income of my own, I can contribute to society in this non-monetary way.

Happy Fourth of July

Here is a clip of the Raleigh TV station WRAL in 1989 as it is signing off the air for the night. The "Star Spangled Banner" and some pictures from the history book are in it.

Happy birthday, USA!